Light
by SeattleGirl359
Summary: Daryl deals with the aftermath of losing Beth.


_**A/N: I felt like I needed to sort of closure after the mid-season finale so I wrote this short idea down and it made me feel a little bit better to get the words out of my head. I thought that if I got to think through Daryl's thoughts then it would make the death a little bit easier, and I really threw this together quickly so I hope it offers up some closure to anyone else who may need it.**_

Daryl had a lot of regrets after that day. He wished he could go back in time a fix everything, make it different. But he couldn't do that. And that hurt.

Killing Dawn hadn't made him feel any better, nor did he expect it to. He did it out of pure retaliation—for taking the one thing that mattered most to him away. It didn't make the numbness go away, lessen the all-consuming heartache, or decrease the pain. Nothing. But then again, if nothing else, he was damn glad that Dawn was no longer breathing on this ruined planet. She had deserved to die, not Beth. Not the Beth that Daryl came to care so deeply for.

The pain of losing Beth didn't go away in time like he had been told it would. The pain lingered. It festered. It took control of Daryl. He never stopped thinking about her. Never. His mourning period kept going on and did not stop. He would never get over the loss and he knew that deep in his soul, just like he knew what his feeling for her were.

There was a lot that he should have said to her, and there was a lot that he _wanted_ to say when he got her back and they were on the road again. Like how she was his light, his hope, his faith.

His savior.

His everything.

And now he had nothing. Zero. She was gone, fell out of his grasp forever. Just like that. A brief fraction of a second and she was no longer with him. And right when he had gotten her back…ain't that the universe giving him a big slap to the face.

At first he didn't understand it. How could it have happened? Why didn't he pull her back after the hug with Noah, her friend? He should have done that. He should have taken her in close to his chest and kept her there, safe from it all. He would have kept her safe until the day he died, kept her safe even if it was the last thing that he did.

It would have worked between them too, Daryl knew that without a doubt. He would have found a way to make her happy and she would have kept him sane in his world. She would have kept him truly and completely happy, just like he felt back at that funeral home. That existed in his memory now, along with the image of Beth all her warmness, her kindness, and gentle touch, and those beautiful blue eyes that were so innocent yet so mature, ones that stared back at him with wild curiosity and no hint of judgment.

She made him feel many things inside.

There had been a few flashes in his mind of the future as he had searched Atlanta for her—_their future_. The future Beth and Daryl would not get to have together because of mistake, an accident that turned deadly. He wanted that future that had had seen in his head, wanted it so badly too. Daryl saw the good it could have done for him, the new experience of having someone to be with, a partner, a lover. He had thought maybe everything would be better when she was back with him again and the world would feel right.

He felt stupid when he thought back to how hopeful he had been.

Daryl even dreamed of her most every night. She was always there when he drifted off. That same smile being thrown his way across the table at the funeral home, or the sound of her music in his ears from his place in the coffin. He missed that, especially when he woke up and realized it was nothing but his imagination making him relive those treasured moments in time.

But at least he had that of her—the memories of their time together. Even if it did torture him some nights when he was alone and the pain settled heavy in his chest. At least he got to say that he knew Beth Greene and that she saved him from the darkness he created around himself, his own form of self-destruction. She brought him out of that and he would be eternally grateful. Only Beth could have pulled him back from the edge.

But the thing was that he had never felt pain like this. This pain was not localized to one area, it ran through every vein in his body. Gut-wrenching, unavoidable pain that often forced him to repeatedly punch a wall or go out into the woods and scream when no one else was around, just to get out the raw emotion that plagued him. He doubted the pain would ever go away and part of him wanted it to stick around to remind him of two things: that he should have done something to prevent Beth's death in the first place and also to remind him that he was actually still alive, still _feeling_ even though she was gone.

The thing that haunted him the most other than the idea of a future with Beth was the sound of the gun going off in the hallway of the hospital and the color of the blood red against the bright blonde hair. It was the first thing that he noticed when it had happened, and it was the one thing he had hoped to never have had to see in his whole existence. Even the taste of her blood that had splattered at him stayed in his mouth and often made him sick to his stomach when the taste reappeared, though he is sure that is just his mind playing tricks on him.

He was lost.

Lost without her.

There was no recovery from that and he accepted that part.

Because the truth was that Daryl would never love anyone else other than Beth. _His_ Beth. He realized his utter devotion to her the moment she slumped over and hit the floor. It was like his life had also ended, and in a way, it did. A part of him belonged to her and without her on the Earth, a part of Daryl was missing, also gone with her.

He almost preferred it that way though, knowing he had given a piece of himself to Beth while she was alive.

She would keep that piece of him safe.

Daryl did know about something good that came out of it all, though that sounded terrible. He _believed_. One hundred percent believed in God and Heaven and all that went with it, even with the world the way it was. He didn't really believe in that stuff before, but he sure did now. She gave that to him. Beth was there with her father, in Heaven, at peace. And one day he would see her again. That offered some comfort to him on those nights where it was bad and the pain is almost too much for him to handle. But he knew in his heart that he would see her again and he would finally be able to tell Beth that he loved her more than anything in his whole life.

They would be reunited once more.


End file.
